Shitbag gift boxes
Think I'll order another couple of
Click here to view our congratulations card
Shitbag Gift Certificates
back. Let us
object of your disaffection a shitbag certificate.
We'll do it
for you. Anonymously. They'll never know who has shitbagged them, which will really upset them.
If they ask whether it was you,
deny it - and then start grinning. It'll drive them nuts trying to figure out who sent it. They
won't be able to sleep. They'll lie awake at
night wondering who sent it.
If you've been holding a grudge
against someone, get it off your chest, shitbag them. No one
will ever know who sent it.
Imagine shitbagging a teacher who picked on you, or a
kid at school who was spiteful or bullied you years ago, people you haven't seen for donkey's ages. Or your
boss, or a work colleague.
FIRST CLASS TURD CERTIFICATE
Anyone who's a first class turd
deserves one of these certificates.
There are a lot of them around.
Every thing they touch turns to shit. They have the infinite
capacity to stuff things up, even the easiest things.
The dictionary definition of the word 'turd' is
'a despicable person.' But the definition is much broader than
that. The words 'unctuous', 'groveling', 'fawning', 'slippery',
'sycophantic' ... come to mind.
These are the people who, when
you send a file 'up' to them it take months to get back 'down'
again. They buggerize around changing things, correcting your
spelling, dotting 'i's and crossing 't's. It gives you the
They don't return phone calls.
They're always down in the foyer drinking latte with their boss.
They're more interested in form
than substance. They don't only keep their clients waiting, when
they're involved, they keep your clients waiting as well.
'Sorry I'm late, blah, blah, blah. My time's more important than
yours!' They don't care. They're up themselves.
The Peter Principle is alive and
well in government departments. This is our biggest seller to public
GOLD TURD CERTIFICATE
We've tastefully designed the
Gold Turd Certificate for our discerning clients.
This is our
highest award for outstanding turdship.
This is turd and bar.
You've definitely got to be a real turd to
get this one.
A turd is someone you dislike immediately you
first meet them. Nine out of ten times, your first impressions
of them were right on.
We've received more orders for this award than
any other, many of the multiple awards for the same person.
Our overseas affiliate has reported that Donald Trump has been particularly good for business.
And just remember, once a turd always a turd.
There is an old Buddhist saying…'No matter how much you wash
a turd, it won't come clean.'
FAT TURD CERTIFICATE
About the worst thing you
can call someone is a fat turd. In recent years, sales
of the fat turd certificate have increased in direct
proportionl to the increasing level of obesity in the
Being called a 'turd' is one thing. Being
called a 'fat turd' takes the insult to a higher level.
At the back of the insult
are about as many of the deadly sins as you can list.
They use their size to
push decent people around. They're bullies. They're full of their own
They're up themselves.
Think 'Lord Muck', thing
These are people who think their shit
You don't need Myers and
Briggs to tell you who they are.
They're freeloaders who love attending
functions and corporate boxes where they can suck other people's piss
They're cowards when it comes to speaking
up for their staff.
If they didn't know that they were a fat
turd before, they'll certainly know when you send them this attractive,
Fat Turd certificate.
Yep, there is something
worse than a fat turd and that's a colorless turd.
A do-nothing, boil-on-the-arse-of-progress turd.
You've come up with the greatest idea
since E=MC2. You take it to your boss and when he
returns the opus magnum all he's done it correct the
You bring to a meeting and idea that's
bigger than Ben Hur and it gets vetoed by the colourless turds
from Booze Allan.
Your company is going down the tube and
all your accountant can come up with is the things you
can't do, not the things you can do to turn red tape
into green and slope the level playing field in your
This is the certificate is one of our
best sellers. You will not believe how many colourless
turds there are in this world. No wonder the country is
going to hell in a hand basket.
How many times have you read an
opinion poll and thought, 'That's bullshit'. How come they never ring me up
and ask for my opinion'
Well now you can take the matter
into your own hands.
Conduct the poll yourself.
Send a politician a message that
lets them know how disgruntled you are, that what they're on about is bullshit.
This is definitely the ideal certificate to let politicians
know what you think.
It doesn't matter that it's anonymous. If you
send a politician a letter you never get a reply any way.
We'll tailor the certificate to
suit your requirements.
You've got space to high light
the issue and 100 characters for the reason.
You'll be an important cog in the
They might even take notice.
At the end of each month we let the media
know which politician received the most Bullshit Awards and what
the major reasons for the disaffection were.
And just remember, every certificate sent is
worth 100,000 votes.
DEAD SHIT AWARD
This is for whingers, whiners and dead shits, along with mean-spirited, sarcastic,
sanctimonious, cynical bastards.
You know one when you see one.
Just a real dead shit. Never lifts a finger to help anyone.
Always complains when asked to do something.
Comes in a 9.30 and leaves at
4.30. Wears desert boots, brown strides, cream open neck shirt
and a brown cardigan.
Always out for a smoke, getting
the gossip and giving the organisation a bad name to boot.
Doesn't take work home. Always on
Spends 14 days of unplanned absence a year and
currently on compo for a crook back.
'Bureaucrats, colourless turds and jerks
their arse and gum up the works
only in it for the perks
shits are getting me down.'
THE COMPLETE ARSEHOLE AWARD
If you hold someone in utter contempt, this one's
These people, usually men, are despicable at
work. They're wreckers, snipers and under-miners.
Their office is a shithole.
Same at home. Forgets to take the
bins out. Doesn't know where to put things. Never cleans up
after themselves, can't cook, always home late. Never unstacks the
dishwasher. Clothes and shoes strewn all over the house, papers,
and books left lying beside the bed that they never make.
Traipses mud into the house
because their too lazy to take their boots off at the door.
If it's a bloke he's hopeless in the sack;
goes off like a flock of sparrows - a fat
gutted, snoring, farting, belching, cigarette smoking, beer
swilling, complete arsehole.
shave on weekends. He spends all Saturday either down the pub or
in the shed drinking with his mates.
his wife (correction, partner) and other
mums and dads to take his children to sport. The garden is full of
weeds, the lawns have never been mown and there's a 1978 Nissan
Cedric on blocks rusting down
the bottom of the back yard.
He wouldn't know what a broom, a mop
or a vacuum cleaner looked like, let alone where they are. He's
ironed a shirt, let alone washed one.
A complete arsehole.
ON THE DRAWING
certificates for dickheads, fuckwits, yobbos, wankers, brown-nosers,
sanctimonious pricks, bigots, suckoles, shit-for-brains, creeps, boof
heads, turkeys, knowalls ...
your order Mock up a sample design (including the words you want on a note accompanying a shit box or written on a certificate) and we'll get our artwork monkeys right onto the job. Say what you
like. There is one caveat: our head censor has just a very short list of
words that we have eliminated from our lexicon.
'shitbag' tee shirt and cap selection.