Shitbag - the sweet smell of revenge

   

 

Shitbag someone

 

Personalized certificates

 


 

Shitbag gift boxes

 


 

 

Think I'll order another couple of rounds.

 

 

Order form

 

Click here to view our congratulations card insert.

 

 

Shitbag Gift Certificates

 

Don't hold back. Let us

send the object of your disaffection a shitbag certificate.

 

We'll do it for you. Anonymously. They'll never know who has shitbagged them, which will really upset them.

 

If they ask whether it was you, deny it - and then start grinning. It'll drive them nuts trying to figure out who sent it. They won't be able to sleep. They'll lie awake at night wondering who sent it.

 

If you've been holding a grudge against someone, get it off your chest, shitbag them. No one will ever know who sent it.

 

Imagine shitbagging a teacher who picked on you, or a kid at school who was spiteful or bullied you years ago, people you haven't seen for donkey's ages. Or your boss, or a work colleague.

 

 

FIRST CLASS TURD CERTIFICATE

 

Anyone who's a first class turd deserves one of these certificates.

 

There are a lot of them around. Every thing they touch turns to shit. They have the infinite capacity to stuff things up, even the easiest things.

 

The dictionary definition of the word 'turd' is 'a despicable person.' But the definition is much broader than that. The words 'unctuous', 'groveling', 'fawning', 'slippery', 'sycophantic' ... come to mind.

 

These are the people who, when you send a file 'up' to them it take months to get back 'down' again. They buggerize around changing things, correcting your spelling, dotting 'i's and crossing 't's. It gives you the shits.

 

They don't return phone calls. They're always down in the foyer drinking latte with their boss.

 

They're more interested in form than substance. They don't only keep their clients waiting, when they're involved, they keep your clients waiting as well. 'Sorry I'm late, blah, blah, blah. My time's more important than yours!' They don't care. They're up themselves.

 

The Peter Principle is alive and well in government departments. This is our biggest seller to public servants.

 

 

GOLD TURD CERTIFICATE

 

We've tastefully designed the Gold Turd Certificate for our discerning clients.

 

This is our highest award for outstanding turdship.

 

This is turd and bar.

 

You've definitely got to be a real turd to get this one.

 

A turd is someone you dislike immediately you first meet them. Nine out of ten times, your first impressions of them were right on.

 

We've received more orders for this award than any other, many of the multiple awards for the same person. Our overseas affiliate has reported that Donald Trump has been particularly good for business.

 

And just remember, once a turd always a turd. There is an old Buddhist saying…'No matter how much you wash a turd, it won't come clean.'

 

 

 

FAT TURD CERTIFICATE

 

About the worst thing you can call someone is a fat turd. In recent years, sales of the fat turd certificate have increased in direct proportionl to the increasing level of obesity in the community.

 

Being called a 'turd' is one thing. Being called a 'fat turd' takes the insult to a higher level.

 

At the back of the insult are about as many of the deadly sins as you can list.

 

They use their size to push decent people around. They're bullies. They're full of their own importance.

 

They're up themselves.

Think 'Lord Muck', thing 'Fat Turd'.

These are people who think their shit doesn't stink.

You don't need Myers and Briggs to tell you who they are.

They're freeloaders who love attending functions and corporate boxes where they can suck other people's piss for free.

They're cowards when it comes to speaking up for their staff.

If they didn't know that they were a fat turd before, they'll certainly know when you send them this attractive, Fat Turd certificate.

 

 

COLOURLESS TURD

 

Yep, there is something worse than a fat turd and that's a colorless turd.

 

A do-nothing, boil-on-the-arse-of-progress turd.

 

You've come up with the greatest idea since E=MC2. You take it to your boss and when he returns the opus magnum all he's done it correct the typos.

 

You bring to a meeting and idea that's bigger than Ben Hur and it gets vetoed by the colourless turds from Booze Allan.

 

Your company is going down the tube and all your accountant can come up with is the things you can't do, not the things you can do to turn red tape into green and slope the level playing field in your direction.

 

This is the certificate is one of our best sellers. You will not believe how many colourless turds there are in this world. No wonder the country is going to hell in a hand basket.

 

 

BULLSHIT AWARD

 

How many times have you read an opinion poll and thought, 'That's bullshit'. How come they never ring me up and ask for my opinion'

 

Well now you can take the matter into your own hands.

 

Conduct the poll yourself.

 

Send a politician a message that lets them know  how disgruntled you are, that what they're on about is bullshit.

 

This is definitely the ideal certificate to let politicians know what you think.

 

It doesn't matter that it's anonymous. If you send a politician a letter you never get a reply any way.

 

We'll tailor the certificate to suit your requirements.

 

You've got space to high light the issue and 100 characters for the reason.

 

You'll be an important cog in the political wheel.

 

They might even take notice.

 

At the end of each month we let the media know which politician received the most Bullshit Awards and what the major reasons for the disaffection were.

 

And just remember, every certificate sent is worth 100,000 votes.

 

 

DEAD SHIT AWARD

 

This is for whingers, whiners and dead shits, along with mean-spirited, sarcastic, sanctimonious, cynical bastards.

 

You know one when you see one. Just a real dead shit. Never lifts a finger to help anyone. Always complains when asked to do something.

 

Comes in a 9.30 and leaves at 4.30. Wears desert boots, brown strides, cream open neck shirt and a brown cardigan.

 

Always out for a smoke, getting the gossip and giving the organisation a bad name to boot.

 

Doesn't take work home. Always on flexi.

 

Spends 14 days of unplanned absence a year and currently on compo for a crook back.

 

'Bureaucrats, colourless turds and jerks

Sit on their arse and gum up the works

They’re only in it for the perks

Dead shits are getting me down.'

 

 

THE COMPLETE ARSEHOLE AWARD

 

If you hold someone in utter contempt, this one's for you.

 

These people, usually men, are despicable at work. They're wreckers, snipers and under-miners.

 

Their office is a shithole.

 

Same at home. Forgets to take the bins out. Doesn't know where to put things. Never cleans up after themselves, can't cook, always home late. Never unstacks the dishwasher. Clothes and shoes strewn all over the house, papers, and books left lying beside the bed that they never make.

 

Traipses mud into the house because their too lazy to take their boots off at the door.

 

If it's a bloke he's hopeless in the sack; goes off like a flock of sparrows - a fat gutted, snoring, farting, belching, cigarette smoking, beer swilling, complete arsehole.

 

He doesn't shave on weekends. He spends all Saturday either down the pub or in the shed drinking with his mates.

 

He gets his wife (correction, partner) and other mums and dads to take his children to sport. The garden is full of weeds, the lawns have never been mown and there's a 1978 Nissan Cedric on blocks rusting down the bottom of the back yard.

 

He wouldn't know what a broom, a mop or a vacuum cleaner looked like, let alone where they are. He's never ironed a shirt, let alone washed one.

 

A complete arsehole.

 

 

ON THE DRAWING BOARD

 

Coming soon certificates for dickheads, fuckwits, yobbos, wankers, brown-nosers, sanctimonious pricks, bigots, suckoles, shit-for-brains, creeps, boof heads, turkeys, knowalls ...

 

Specialise your order Mock up a sample design (including the words you want on a note accompanying a shit box or written on a certificate) and we'll get our artwork monkeys right onto the job. Say what you like. There is one caveat: our head censor has just a very short list of words that we have eliminated from our lexicon.

 

Next the 'shitbag' tee shirt and cap selection.