Disease is a collection of symptoms of
metabolic, musculo-skeletal and psychological
There is no medical cure for this disease. This is because
the symptoms are a reflection of fitness, diet and personal
development-related problems, not medical problems
(and only on the rarest of occasions can you fix fitness, diet and
personal development-related problems with
Scheissenhausen's Disease was first described by German metabolic
physician, Gustav Adolph Scheissenhausen (8th June 1864 – 9th September
1945) in 1915. At that stage, Scheissenhausen referred to the condition
as Scheissenhausen's Syndrome describing the word 'syndrome' as medical
speak for ‘I don’t have a clue what’s caused it.’
At the Las Vagus International Round Table on Metabolic Health in
February 2014, the prevalence of Scheissenhausen's Syndrome became notified as a world-wide pandemic.
The panel debated for over a day on whether to stick with the term
'syndrome' or elevate it's profile to 'disease'. After breaking for
dinner and the consumption of vast quantities of Grange Hermitage, the
meeting reconvened the next day and resolved that in keeping with the
modern nomenclature guidelines relating to symptoms, syndromes,
dysfunctions and diseases, the name should be changed to
Scheissenhausen's Disease, mainly on the grounds that the word 'disease'
sounded more important than the words, 'symptom', 'dysfunction' and
'syndrome' - not that the members of the Round table knew the difference
between all four.
Scheissenhausen's Disease was officially incorporated into the WHO International
Classification of Body System Dysfunctions (ICBSD) in March 2015.
Of course the word 'disease' does, indeed sound more imposing than
either 'symptom', 'syndrome' or 'dysfunction'.
In reality, Scheissenhausen's Disease is a collection of symptoms of
a range of body system dysfunctions that can be tracked back to low
levels of aerobic physical activity, poor diet and a lack of personal
The medical industry doesn't do aerobic physical activity, diet or
Scheissenhausen's Disease is diagnosed in people aged over 15 years. In
2013 it was estimated that over 800 million people, mainly from Europe,
North America and the Antipodes were suffering from the dysfunction. It
is predicted to grow at an exponential rate as people lead increasing
sedentary lives, stuff themselves with flour and sugar, drink more
and more alcohol, cola and milk and live lives that swing
between stressed-out-of-their-brain and quiet desperation.
Although Scheissenhausen’s Disease develops differently for every
individual, there are many common symptoms. You’re tired all the time,
you lack energy and vitality.
You’re over weight, in fact your trousers are so tight they’re
ring-barking you. You get a thumping headache after lunch that goes away
after a double shot coffee, a packet of jelly beans or a Kit Kat. You’ve got a crook guts
and suffer from insomnia, brain
fog, reflux, constipation, piles, sore muscles, joint pain and the
deadly metabolic trinity - high blood pressure, high cholesterol and
high blood sugar.
You drink too much alcohol, coffee and cola. You exist on a
garbohydrate diet (yep that's a 'g' not a 'c') of fat,
flour, sugar, deep fried potato and aspartame. You sit on your bum all
day at work and all night at home watching TV. You never exercise.
There is a high likelihood you’re in the wrong job or
under-appreciated at work. Similarly there is a high likelihood you’re
in the wrong relationship or under-appreciated at home. There is the possibility you don’t even like yourself.
In short you feel shithouse.
Early symptoms are often mistakenly thought to be manifestations of
stress, aimlessness and vacuity - and well they may - but that’s only half the problem. In
general the main driver of SD is poor metabolic health. This is the
reason why there is no medical cure. It’s not a medical problem; it’s a
fitness, diet and personal development problem.
As the disease advances, symptoms increase. People often withdraw into
their own little world spending more and more time on the couch watching
Days of Our Lives and waiting for someone to post something on Facebook, eating potato crisps and Delta Cremes, drinking diet
Coke and drifting off with the faeries.
Since the disease is different for each individual, it's difficult to
predict how it
will affect each person.
SD develops for an unknown and
variable amount of time before becoming fully apparent, and it can
progress undiagnosed for years. On average, the life expectancy
following diagnosis is approximately 60 years, the last 10 sitting in a
chair staring at a wall in a nursing home.
The great tragedy is people are living for years with Scheissenhausen's
Disease without a clue as to what’s wrong with them or who is to
blame. Some people are
victims of ignorance, particularly that of their physician. Others are
just plain lazy or attached to the Scheissenhausen way of life.
Causation has been attributed to sloth.
Many victims of SD are
beyond redemption. Whilst most won't lift a finger to help themselves,
they're not backward in putting their hand out for free medical
treatment. The only relief they get is from their tailor, chemist,
barman and barista.
There are no available medical treatments that stop or reverse the
progression of the disease.
When SD is suspected, the last person to see is a physician.
Current medical and pharmaceutical treatments only help with masking
the symptoms of the dysfunction.
In the long run people's health gradually gets worse, leading to more medication.
Sooner or later the
medications conflict with each other. Side effect on top of side
effect will be treated with more medication. In the end people won’t just feel shithouse
they’ll be completely stuffed.
In the trade this practice is known as 'preventive health'. In reality
it's junk medicine, where drugs are prescribe to mask symptoms.
Rarely are customers given prescriptions designed to restore poor body
system function to good, let along prescribed in the right dosage.
If you're a victim of SD, your doctor may send you to the pathologist, the radiologist, the
gastrologist, the astrologist and the proctologist, none of whom will
be able to account for the causes of SD. They’ll slug you an arm and a
leg, write out some Latinate gobbledegook and send you back to your
doctor. Being unable to work out what the Latinate gobbledegook means
and not knowing the underlying cause of the collection of dysfunctions - let alone the cure
- the doctor will take the path of least resistance – which is to whip
out the pad, scribble off a script, ask you whether it’s ‘cheque,
savings, credit, PIN, paywave or sign' and send you over to the chemist. End of
diagnosis, end of treatment. 'Come and see me if it gets worse and I'll
write you out a stonger prescription.'
The cause and progression of Scheissenhausen’s Disease is very well
understood by fitness practitioners and natural health nutritionists.
If you think you're coming down with Scheissenhausen's Disease, improve your aerobic fitness dramatically.
With 800 aerabytes a week you should soon notice an improvement.
On top of that, if you embark on a regular and systematic
strength and flexibility training
program, stop stuffing yourself full of fat, flour, sugar, potato
and milk and
eat from the top of the Hourglass, get back closer to
your ideal weight, lay off the grog, stop drinking
cola, stop drinking milk, limit yourself to one coffee a day, get some counselling and go to a
high powered personal development weekend, Scheissenhausen’s
will start to disappear.