Scheissenhausen's Disease (SD) is the name the World Poor Health Organisation (WPHO) originally gave to the symptoms of personally-generated metabolic dysfunction. Then the disease became a syndrome and the syndrome became a dysfunction.

There is no known medical cure for this dysfunction. That's because the symptoms are a reflection of fitness, diet and personal development-related problems, not medical problems (and only on the rarest of occasions can you fix fitness, diet and personal development-related problems with medical solutions).

Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction was first described by German metabolic physician, Gustav Adolph Scheissenhausen (9th September 1864 – 8th June 1945) in 1915. At that stage, Scheissenhausen referred to the condition as Scheissenhausen's Disease, but when he worked out that he didn't have a clue what caused it he changed the name to Scheissenhausen's Syndrome.

At the Las Vagus International Round Table on Metabolic Health in February 2014, the prevalence of Scheissenhausen's Syndrome became notified as a world-wide pandemic.

The panel debated for over a day on whether to stick with the term 'syndrome' or elevate its profile to 'disease' or 'dysfunction'. After breaking for the pre-dinner reception, during which the rush for the horses doovers and oysters sent a couple of waitresses flying arse over head, and followed by the obligatory fawning, grovelling, bending-over-backwards, shoulder-rubbing, back-scratching, sweet-talking, brown-nosing, big-noting, flirting, brothel-creeping and guzzling kegs of Moet and Grange Hermitage which went on till the early hours, the meeting reconvened, hung-over, the next morning and resolved that in keeping with the modern nomenclature guidelines relating to symptoms, syndromes, dysfunctions and diseases, the name should indeed be officially gazetted with the World Poor Health Organisation as Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction.

The reason the colloquium decided on the term 'dysfunction' was because of the likelihood of the condition having being personally generated.

This was a seminal moment in the history of medicine. It was the first time a condition was recognized as being personally generated. It was the first time 'victim shaming' had entered medical literature. Fat shaming, which was soon to follow, generated outrage from  people who were convinced that being fat was caused by a capitalist, patriarchal culture and not by over eating.

Accordingly, Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction was officially incorporated into the WPHO International Classification of Personally-generated Body System Dysfunctions (ICPGBSD) in March 2015, exactly 100 years after it was first identified by Gusav Scheissenhausen

In reality, Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction is a collection of symptoms of a range of personally-generated body system dysfunctions that can be tracked back to low levels of aerobic physical activity, poor diet and a lack of personal development training.

The medical industry doesn't do aerobic physical activity, diet or personal development training.

Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction is diagnosed in people aged over 15 years, though recent studies suggest that it is occurring at much earlier ages. In 2017 it was estimated that over a billion people, mainly from Europe, North America and the Antipodes were suffering from the syndrome. It is predicted to grow at an exponential rate as people lead increasingly sedentary lives, stuff themselves with flour and sugar, drink more and more alcohol, cola and milk and live lives that swing between stressed-out-of-their-brain and quiet desperation.

Although Scheissenhausen’s Dysfunction develops differently for every individual, there are many common symptoms. You’re tired all the time, you lack energy and vitality. You’re over weight, in fact your trousers are so tight they’re ring-barking you. You get a thumping headache after lunch that goes away after a double shot coffee, a packet of jelly beans or a chocolate frog. You’ve got a crook guts, insomnia, brain fog, reflux, constipation, piles, sore muscles, joint pain and the deadly metabolic trinity - high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high blood sugar.

You drink too much alcohol, coffee and cola. You exist on a garbohydrate (yep, that's a 'g' not a 'c') diet of fat, flour, sugar, deep fried potato (on their own or in various combinations) and aspartame. You sit on your bum all day at work and all night at home watching TV. You never exercise.

There is a high likelihood you’re in the wrong job or under-appreciated at work. Similarly there is a high likelihood you’re in the wrong relationship or under-appreciated at home. There is the possibility you don’t even like yourself.

In short you feel shithouse.

Early symptoms are often mistakenly thought to be manifestations of stress, aimlessness and vacuity - and well they may - but that’s only half the problem. In general the main driver of SD is poor metabolic health and to a fair degree, poor mental health. This is the reason why there is no medical cure.

Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction is not a medical problem. Whilst elite cyclists appear to have ready access to pills that improve their aerobic performance, these medications are rarely prescribed for regular folks in poor metabolic health. Why should they be? These people, have no desire to improve their aerobic performance. In fact they won't move as much as a little finger to improve their metabolic health.

Unless people get their act together and start looking after their health, fitness and wellbeing, over time symptoms increase. People often withdraw into their own little world spending more and more time on the couch watching Days of Our Lives, staring at their mobile phone waiting for someone to post some inane and vapid comment on Facebook or 'X', eating potato crisps and Alpha Cremes, drinking diet Coke and drifting off with the faeries.

The syndrome is different for each individual, and it's difficult to predict how it will affect each person.

SD develops for an unknown and variable amount of time before becoming fully blown, and it can progress undiagnosed for years. Feeling shithouse has become the normal human condition. On average, the life expectancy following diagnosis is approximately 60 years, the last 10 sitting in a chair staring at either a test pattern or a wall.

The great tragedy is people are living for years with Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction without a clue as to what’s wrong with them or who is to blame. Some people are victims of ignorance, their own or that of their physician. Others are just plain bone lazy or attached to the Scheissenhausen way of life. Causation has also been attributed to laziness, gluttony, sloth and stupidity.

Many victims of SD are beyond redemption. For most, the only relief they get is from their tailor, chemist, barmaid or barista.

There are no available medical treatments that stop or reverse the progression of Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction.

According to WPHO guidelines, when Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction is suspected, the last person a sufferer should see is a physician.  Current medical and pharmaceutical treatments only help with masking the symptoms of the dysfunction. In the long run people's health gradually gets worse, leading to more medication. Sooner or later the medications will conflict with each other. Side effect on top of side effect will be treated with more medication. In the end people won’t just feel shithouse they’ll be completely stuffed.

In the trade, the current medical approach in dealing with Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction is the practice is known as 'preventive health'. (Recent research coming out of the Scheissenhausen Institute has confirmed that you don't prevent health by going to a chemist shop.

On the contrary, you prevent yourself from being healthy by spending your life sitting down, at work in a chair or a truck cabin and at home on the couch.

In 2016, the Scheissenhausen Institute published a position paper: 'Junk Medicine, scourge of the effective treatment of Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction.'

The Institute described 'Junk Medicine' as the practice of prescribing drugs to mask symptoms of personally-generated body system dysfunctions. The  Institute noted that rarely do physicians give their customers who have personally-generated body system dysfunctions, prescriptions designed to restore poor body system function to good, let alone prescribe treatments in the right dosage.

If you're a victim of Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction your doctor may send you to the pathologist, the radiologist, the gastrologist, the oncologist the proctologist or the astrologist, none of whom will be able to account for the causes of SD. They’ll slug you an arm and a leg, write out some Latinate gobbledygook and send you back to your doctor.

Being unable to work out what the Latinate gobbledygook means and not knowing the underlying cause of the collection of dysfunctions - let alone the cure - the doctor will take the path of least resistance – which is to whip out the pad, scribble off a script, ask you whether it’s ‘cheque, savings, credit, PIN, paywave or sign' and send you over to the chemist. End of diagnosis, end of treatment.

As you leave the surgery ringing in your ears will be the doctor's last words; 'Come and see me if it gets worse and I'll write you out a stronger prescription.'

The cause and progression of Scheissenhausen’s Dysfunction is very well understood by fitness practitioners, naturopaths, yoga teachers and vegans.

If you think you're coming down with Scheissenhausen's Dysfunction, improve your aerobic fitness dramatically. With 250 Fitbit aerobic fitness zone point a week you should soon notice an improvement.

On top of that, if you embark on a regular and systematic strength and flexibility training program, lay off the garbohydrates, eat from the top of the Hourglass, get back closer to your ideal weight, lay off the grog, stop drinking cola,  limit yourself to one coffee a day, get some counselling and go to a high powered personal development weekend, Scheissenhausen’s Dysfunction will start to disappear.
 

Scheissenhausen Institute - International Office

7 Salvado Place, Stirling ACT AUSTRALIA

61 424 391 749